What to Do When Your Child Sins or Tough Love

I didn't get around to writing last week because my son was in a NCFCA tournament. I don't remember what the acronym stands for but I know the F stands for Forensic and I assume there is a Christian in there somewhere. 

Despite the name they don't spend their time in crime labs while the Who plays in the background. No, this is a speech and debate club. (I may address this in a later post). It was during this tournament that I came to a heartbreaking realization about my son. I had my suspicions, but this was the first time he did it so blatantly. I think it was the influence of other kids in his debate club that enboldened him. 

It's hard for me to even say what terrible sin my son is embroiled in. As a parent I have tried to raise him right -- to instill in him godly morals that will guide him through life. I guess I failed. (If this were paper you would see tear stains all over that last sentence). I can only hope you won't stop reading when you hear the disgusting evil thing he is. I can only hope you will pray for his deliverance. Okay, brace yourself -- oh, and mom, I'm sorry you are finding out this way -- I just couldn't bare the shame of telling you. 

My son is a whistler. Worse, he is a morning whistler. The Bible is very clear about the fate of whistlers:

"And lo, those most terrible of sinners, those wretches who deserve no pity, those whistlers shall be damned unto the deepest, darkest, most fiery pits of hell." (Trust me, it's in there, you don't need to look it up.)

And, of course there is the story of why Lucifer was cast out of heaven:

"And Lucifer, that cretin, did begin his vile whistling. And God, who hadest not his morning coffee saidest, 'Get Out!'"

Since U.S. law won't let me stone him or burn him at the stake (it's the fault those ungodly communists running the country), as a loving father I know there is only one thing I can do. I have to kick him out of the house. 

Until my son is ready to renounce his terrible sin, he is not allowed back into the house. It's painful, but everyone knows that the only way to get the really bad sins out is to banish the offender and never see them again. 

The advice:

If your child whistles kick them out of the house. We should also work on getting laws passed that ban them from public places -- the future of America is at stake. 

Beards or How to Keep Your Teen From Having Sex

I've been growing out my beard lately. There are many deep philosophical reasons for this, which I don't have time to go into right now, but there is also an unintended bonus to having a beard -- looking creepy. (See picture below).

Why is looking creepy a good thing? Let me explain. 

I have a 12 soon-to-be-13 year old boy. This means soon I'll have to contend with hormone crazed teenage girls. I've done my best to inhibit the interest of these hormone/culture driven sex fiends by fanning my boy's nerdiest tendencies. You know: love of science fiction, books, white socks with black shoes, etc. His mom and I are also hoping for a serious acne problem, but given our own histories it doesn't look good. I can only hope and pray that I will have instilled enough nerdy awkwardness to keep even the most sex crazed girls at bay. So far it seems to be working, but teenage girls are wily creatures, so you never can tell. Which is why I was happy to have discovered that I now look creepy. 

Here's how I found out. I was goofing off on my phone (i.e., looking at Facebook) while waiting for my son's debate club to let out. Sitting near me  were a couple of teenage girls. They were babbling inanely about things teenage girls babble about. I wasn't really paying that much attention until one of them expressed the desire to move, but wouldn't say why. My ears perked up because I had a feeling it was because she was a little afraid of me, but I wasn't sure. A few minutes later they started whispering and I heard one of them say, "He's not that creepy."

Bingo. 

I knew that whatever I did next would either solidify or dispel my reputation for creepiness. So here's what I did. I pretended to get a phone call. 

"Hello?" ... "Yeah?" ... "No, I told you the bleach will get the blood -- no, tell him to bury it with .... He said what?" ... "You'll have to take care of him." ... "Yes, I mean kill him." ... "Both bodies will fit -- sideways" ... "No bury them in the back lot." ... "Okay, bye."

I'm guessing my creepiness factor was solidified by the way they ran off screaming. The trip I took to the police station later was also a big clue. I have to say, I don't like being arrested, but it's a small price to pay to keep teenage girls away from my boy. 

As word of my creepiness spreads I imagine there will be many conversations like this:

"Keesha, I'm thinking of dating T."

"No, girl, he's the one with that creepy dad."

"Ooh, that's right. Never mind then, I'ma date John."

Crisis averted!

The Advice:

In order to keep your teenage son away from dangerous teenage girls: 

1. Do whatever you can to encourage your boy in activities, dress, and hobbies that repel teenage girls. 

2. Grow a creepy beard. If you are a mother, this will double the creepiness of the beard.